It’s been a long time since I’ve allowed myself to reflect on the current changes in my life. And somehow I think laid up in bed at 4:41 in the morning is the right time to do so. Laying in bed accepting my fate that long nights are now apart of my forevers.
In the past months I’ve experienced turbulence in almost every facet of my life. Career, partnership, friendship, and fulfillment to be exact. After about 20 trips on a marry-go-round that felt like it had been spinning for forever, I decided to make some long term changes to my environment and lifestyle. (4:44a) While there are still many parts to sort through I feel the positive shift of choosing what fulfills me which is pursuing my passion(s). You ever stop and think about how much bullsh*t you had to truck through just to make it to 1 triumph? And not in a harping, wallowing in my sadness, type of reflection — reflection that shows you your strength. Your grit, perseverance, resilience. Overall though, I can’t negate that my faith has kept me above water. Sometimes within roaring waters, at that.
I picked up my pen and paper one morning in July and wrote out a commitment to self. A commitment to honor myself, and honoring myself meant shedding away from the ideals that have surrounded my woman brain since I was a young girl. I no longer wanted to live a practical life, or a life that conformed me into the box that society has always put in front of me. So, I intentionally created a list of changes to execute. Things I felt like I had to release in order to create the proper room for my growth, my potential.
It wasn’t easy.
I was facing myself, and in the midst of creating this list – I was trying not to become my own worst enemy. I started to become critical of all the things before me, even shaming myself to some degree on the level of “how could you subject yourself to this much bullsh*t for so long?” — I knew I had been living out of alignment with myself for a while, but I never did give myself enough room to look at the bigger picture. While I knew it was easier to sit in the negatives, I didn’t fucking want to anymore.
I began to go against my brain. She questioned me, she refuted me, and rebuttable me, but I persistently reminded myself that I am much more than what I was allowing myself to experience. I find that we hold on to certain things for multiple reasons. Fear, inferiority, esteem, comfort, co-dependency, etc, etc. I was holding on to things out of fear. Fear that if I let go I was officially going to plummet, especially because of how low I was already feeling. But, I let go.
I left a “stable” job that left me mentally unstable. It was scary, but it was freeing. I chose to leave on account of the dysfunction, but also on account of feeling this need to pursue my artistry. In hindsight, I kind of laugh at my fear now because at some point I stopped being present at ‘work’.
I’d finesse ways to write my poetry on customer hold slips and staples post-it notes. I’d finesse time to sing, catch a little pocket, record it. I’d spend my breaks creating too. Whether I was writing or drawing. Somehow orchestrating plans while still being mentally trapped/stuck in a corporation.
And truth be told, just when I thought I’d plummet, I started flying higher.
This transition in following my purpose has not been easy. Scary, lonely, confusing, uncertain, unstable.
It’s also been rewarding, gratifying, fulfilling, abundant, and liberating.
I’m not quite sure where life is taking me, and part of that, I feel, is because of the lack of guidance I’ve felt since the passing of my mother. I get lost in the physical some days, but I know that’s okay. I know I can be an agent of love, light, and change. Sometimes I feel like my momma wrote this in stone for me, other times I know she’s looking at me like “girl you so crazy but I love that about you.”
I share my journey to say: Listen to your spirit, your heart, your soul. Fight your mind, because you are deserving, because you hold purpose. We are all on a divine path, there is no rushing your journey, but only you can shape your journey.
As I continue through my journey, I plan to document everything. I plan to keep creating. I plan to keep seeking. I hope to see you alongside me.
As always, whatever resonates with you – is for you.
Do With Love // LA.B