The older I get the more I notice how much shit I harbor from my childhood, my relationships (platonic or romantic), or just any shitty past circumstance/situation. All of these unresolved emotions and questions just haunt me more and more as time passes. I almost feel like they just start to ingrain themselves into my genetic make-up over the years.
I’ve noticed I’ve grown sadder.
I don’t know this version of myself entirely. But as I get to know her, I acknowledge that she carries so much weight. Especially from things that she cannot change.
Why do we become so fixated on the extrinsic values as opposed to intrinsic ones? We prioritize the tangible gifts and undermine the gifts we are born with. I might be getting a little lost in my own thoughts here but I feel like worrying so much about the outside world forced me to subconsciously neglect all that comes from the internal. All that comes from my ancestors, my genetics, my characteristics, the things that have made me, me. I’ve lost sight of a lot of that because 1. I’ve never let go of the past and 2. I’m so focused on how the outside world has hurt me I’ve lost sight of the power I’ve had within to heal me.
So here I am, writing. Bringing it back to what feels natural in order to dissect it all. Letting go is so much easier said than done.