I left this space the moment I created this space. To some degree, I’m doing this for me. Maybe to all degrees. I’ve never been someone that can pick up ‘where we’ve left off‘ and not shed light on whatever was swept under the rug or kept in the dark. As plainly as possible, I lost my mother in November of 2018.
Simply put, but it still sits heavy whenever I have to say it. Whenever I write it, whenever I read it. As the years have passed I’ve tried to heed the advice of others who’ve experienced loss and while soothing to some degree, I still sit here thinking ‘no one gets it’.
I try to remind myself that I’ve only lost her in the physical. I’ve only lost access to her within the external world, but maybe she still resides within the internal. Within me. Aside from being an extension of her as her daughter, I wonder if she can hear my thoughts when I talk to her in there. I try to remind myself that I now have full-blown, all-hours, everyday access to her. But I mean, I’ve always had that with Mami. I think one of the harsh differences is not being able to hear her. My ears find it difficult to ring with the memories of your voice. Sometimes I fear I won’t remember everything about you, us. Maybe I’m still in shock.
Since then everything has shifted drastically, and I’m trying to re-learn the ways I used to make my heart sing as a kid. Amongst many, writing is one of them. Poetry, is one of them. Everything in my mind, body, and soul had forgotten that I created ‘Mind, Body, + Soul’ as a space for me. For my release and for my healing. And any word that resonates with you..
is for you.